@quickfixon

taspi commentary

I first posted TASPI on April 16th, 2024, the day between my mom's death anniversary and her birthday. I was by myself that weekend (the fault of none of my loved ones), and I'd been writing the story as a passion project since sometime in mid-January. I really had told myself that it was just for me—I wanted to see Ateez in a haunted house story, so I wrote it for myself. But after awhile I thought, "you know what, post it! If one other person reads it, it's worth it."So, I shared it. I was about halfway done, around the 20-chapter mark, when I posted the first chapters. And, until I finished the epilogue in October, I really worried I would never finish it. In all of my writing history (I'm an Old who started writing fic around 2005, though I took a prolonged break from 2015-2024), I'd never finished a long project. Wrapping TASPI up hurt my feelings and made me homesick for a town and a cafe and a found-family that weren't real. But, most importantly, it proved to me that I could do it. And do it well.The journey since first posting has been absolutely bonkers. The community of creatives, of fans, of people who love those eight dudes from Korea as much as I do, has changed my life. And as sappy as it sounds, I do mean it. I have made more friends through writing TASPI than I had made in my entire adult life so far—so this story truly means so many things to me on so many different levels, creative, social, and emotional.So, with that said! I will try not to be too sentimental about this thing, but just know: this project took over my life for ten months of what was, in some ways, the hardest year of my life. It was so very rewarding, and is something I am extremely proud of, so I will probably be annoying about it forever.Anyway, I thought the anniversary would be a great time to start a sort of retrospective commentary. I'll be touching on the process of writing it, themes and insights, inspirations for the setting, the playlist curation, and other tidbits I think might be interesting for readers. I hope you enjoy!

Behind the Scenes, Themes, and Insights

The original-original version of TASPI was much shorter, and the entire plot was the lead-up to the house investigation and the evening of (the house had no name yet of course). At its end, the guys would all stand in front of the house and see a ghost look back at them, and when they left the site, Mingi and Yunho would kiss in the heat of the "we-survived" moment, not addressing their feelings at all elsewise. This is the first couple of paragraphs on my initial sketch doc:"One member moves to a small town and meets the others over a few weeks, only to find out it’s a friend group/little community that meets every day (in whole or in part, they can’t always all be there ofc) at the little store off the main intersection (like an Affiliated - they have a little cafe inside, some staple groceries, cigarettes, and gas). In their free time, it’s a sort of group.
Ghost hunters for fun, but not great at it. And the house the main guy has moved into is maybe haunted, but he’s unsure until he is sure. Finds out they’ve all been curious about the place for a long time, but never had an in. MC worries that’s why they invited him into their fold, but ends up reassured. They do an investigation there after, and it becomes dangerous. Ends with a sort of survive-the-night situation over several chapters, ending with Yunho/Mingi kissing when they do Make It Out."Then, there were a couple of outlines that sat somewhere closer to the idea it bloomed into. These focused on characterization and world building. I quickly realized I needed more investigations, and more detail on who was who. This is when I settled on the overall ghost hunting arc (how many times, which ones would be actually haunted, etc), and where the different guys aligned.From my sketch:
Haunted locations:
The Old Town Bank - first ?
Evergreen Church and Cemetery - second X
Lacy’s Bridge (maybe rename this) - third X
The Old Town Jail and Armory - Fourth -
Beech Creek Cemetery, with the Witches’ Tomb -
Montage with the logging spots, trussel X
Brooks’ Hospital - last before Yunho’s house X
Grim hotel? ?
Alignment:
Skeptics: Yeosang (full Shaniac), Mingi (most everything can be explained), Seonghwa (just honestly kind of an atheist so doesn’t see how it’s possible)
On the fence: Jongho (seen some shit, not totally sold tho), San (pretty sure it’s real but not as common as ppl think)
Believers: Hongjoong (wants to Know), Wooyoung (superstitious, scaredy cat), Yunho (only because of Recent Events)Only when that was settled did I really start building out the individual characters, relationships, and arcs. The steps through this were complicated and my sketch doc got very long. It was like putting together a puzzle while I colored it in. It was like weeks of me Yes-And-ing myself going, "if Woosan were both good local boys, someone had to be the black sheep, so why not Seonghwa? If Seonghwa's the black sheep, did that play into the Seongjoong past? Yes, okay, parental influence—were Seonghwa's parents bad? Yes, maybe one even played a part in Yunho's aunt's past! Okay, so that means...."When I felt like I had everything settled, and I had an outline document that went on for 49 pages (for real! you can view it here if you want lol), I finally started writing in earnest. I did end up changing it - initially, it ended with an epilogue after the Witch House survival chapter. I decided when I got there in my drafting that I needed a much softer/more drawn out ending to allow each character/arc to come to a close more naturally, so it went from a 33-chapter story to the 37 you see now - but those changes were added directly into the doc, not through updating my outline.A note on setting: Nearly all of the haunted spaces pull from either real locations in my home region that I fictionalized for the story, or from urban legends that circulated my hometown. The bank is a copy of my memory of the old bank building in my hometown (of around 400 people), complete with the marble floors, three stories, and missing vault door. The old hospital comes from the abandoned hospital my grandmother worked at as a nurse until the late 70s. Evergreen Church was a place we used to go on nice days to see my grandmother's uncles' graves. The other spots are combinations of places and urban legends harder to pin down, but still real. The hauntings are all made up — I've never experienced anything paranormal, knowingly — but the places pull from real spots in this world. I hope they feel that way.I wanted this story to feel a little urband-legendy, a little anonymous, like it could be anywhere. That's one reason that in nearly 300,000 words, I never named the town, its region, or even its country. I know that inevitably there were a lot of American descriptions and all (I couldn't catch everything), but I wanted there to be plausible deniability for it to be based in Korea, the US, or anywhere else where there may be a forest and a largely Korean-named enclave. This is also why you'll notice only like one character besides the Ateez boys and Haneul has a full name (Lee Chan, a shoutout to Dino from Seventeen since that's my best friend's favorite group) (also, Coach Kwan at the high school is a shoutout to Hoshi!).Themes and Insights are hard to pin down with this story being so long, but a few I'd like to call out are below.Homecoming - the most direct usage of this motif is Hongjoong's introduction chapter, where he's living out a sort of AU-fantasy of my own (as someone who moved away and stayed gone, but I have my reasons of course). I wanted to address the push-and-pull that comes with developing your own identity separate from the place you come from, only to realize just how deeply rooted within you it will always be. As a queer person from a place where that's not always so welcome, the idea of going home is a scary one, but also a magnetic one at times. Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? would undoubtedly ring through his chest, and I wanted that to feel real.This is also mimicked later when Seonghwa takes Hongjoong to the Parks' prefab, where his own homecoming—now that Hongjoong is alongside him—is cut short, and the pain of that severance (even when it was so necessary) is the flip-side of a homecoming, of course. The times it doesn't work out, when home is no longer home, no matter how you fold yourself up to try to fit there.And the final touch on homecoming in this arc is Hongjoong seeing Seonghwa's house, its location and how him it is. It's the moment they both get a resolution: Hongjoong is home and knows it was the right thing to come back now, and Seonghwa is home with the only person who's seen his soul and loved him for it."I'm glad the world didn't break you of that." / "I'm glad staying here didn't take that from you." - The first time this line comes up is when Mingi is helping Hongjoong with his tires, and recognizes his old friend is still standing there, not a stranger. Different versions of this line come up later, though, too. I believe in some ways, true love is wanting your beloved to be themselves, even when it hurts you.Community - Ultimately, this story has very few (living) Bad Guys. Seonghwa's parents are the worst, I think we all agree, but few others. Yunho's parents are our main antagonists, but I intentionally did my best to write them as selfish, not evil. Since this is a story about finding family and community, I felt that having the Outsider's family exemplify the ways suburbia hyperfocuses on selfish individuality (versus fostering community) was a great foil to the creation of the Society. The Society only works in a tight community, where people can stay friends and see one another near-daily for years. The Society only works with long-standing trust and acknowledgment of one another.You'll also see other motifs of the importance of community in some character arcs: Hongjoong's bout with the school board is brought to an end by a community of educators and students rallying around him. The fall festival only happens because this little community bands together and the bigger community around it actually shows up. The Lees' farmhouse being rebuilt by locals donating time and hard work to get it done. I figured there was enough horror in the ghosts of this story to keep us sated, so I decided the community would have its good turns when I could put them in.Cars - I believe the car a person drives says so many things about them, and it's one reason I was so specific about what each person drives:
1. Hongjoong - he drives an ancient shitbox red sedan, because he'd be the last person in the world to keep up with car maintenance and he's goal-focused. Making it in the arts was more important than working more to have a hefty car payment!
2. Seonghwa - his newer green truck is a source of huge pride. He's a mill guy who remodels his house himself and does all his parents' maintenance, he needs the utility of a truck bed, but having a well-cared-for new vehicle is a huge deal he worked hard for.
3. Yunho - the carless cityboy of course! This was mostly so I had Plot Reasons for him to not leave town, but it also makes sense why someone who's always had public transit not to just have a car to pay to park it somewhere all the time.
4. Yeosang - It's only natural that Workaholic Guilt-Complex Man would only have his work SUV at his beck and call. He's utilitarian enough that he wouldn't have another car just to have it, but also there's just something about him in this story that screams "if I'm always On The Job, I never have to Face My Feelings!"
5. San - his grandfather's old truck, kept working by the engine grease ground into San's own hands, was the only way. He loves this place, he loves old, broken down things, and he believes he can always repair them.
6. Mingi - his 90s, blue Wrangler was always right in the front of my mind when I thought of him. It's got enough utility to justify him keeping all this time, but also JUST the kind of thing a teen Mingi would have bought with a San-style goal of keeping it running forever. Even if it's freezing in the winter and hot in the summer, we don't get rid of things if they can still be used.
7. Wooyoung - Though he doesn't drive much in this story, his car is a well-kept used hatchback. He doesn't need anything big, and it's enough to zip around town and keep low maintenance and insurance costs. This Woo is so focused on his passion project, his car matters very little to him.
8. Jongho - though his car isn't revealed until late in the story, would you expect anything other than a "sleek black muscle car"? My mans works hard for his money and intends for the world to see it in the luxury products he loves very dearly.Class - I've learned in the last year and some change that I have a hard time writing fantasy, in the sense that my works are always grounded in a sort of... real-life kinda world. Every story I've written addresses money in some way. I'm not sure what that says about me, but it's wormed its way in every time so far.In my experience, you can't write about small town life/existence without addressing class. I mostly used Yeosang and Jongho to explore their reactions to their own wealth in a setting more familiar with poverty than riches (shame on Yeosang's part, enjoyment on Jongho's). But I also wanted to make the realities of wage work clear, as it would be in a mostly working-class group of adults in a place where opportunities are few. Seonghwa treasures his mill job because it's a career position. Wooyoung loves the cafe, but also needs it to stay afloat because what else would he do? San and Mingi both have costs they have to build fences and repair cars for cash to help offset. Yunho's got an affluent family, but he's not receiving most of the benefits in a cash way, and struggling with that is a huge part of his daily life.Fire - There's a lot of fire in this story. I knew from the start that I wanted fire to be the solution for the ghosts, because it's such a classic cleansing ritual in so many cultures. But I also thought it would be neat to extend that to the group's rituals as a transformation metaphor: when big events happen, they have bonfires to say goodbye to the past, the old, the dead, and hello to the future that lay ahead. It's a fire that shepherds Hongjoong and Seonghwa from their youth together to their long separation, and it's a fire that overlooks Yunho learning that ghosts can leave marks behind on his body. A fire keeps the boys safe when they come back from being lost in the woods. A fire nearly kills San and Mingi both, but forges a new era of closeness for all eight members of the Society.I also wanted to use fire metaphors for characters whenever I could, since they are all going through transformations of one sort or another. Yunho thinks of Mingi's sleeping heat as a furnace. Hongjoong is "made of gunpowder," and "reacts with fireworks." Seonghwa thinks of the rage that keeps him going as keeping his own furnace lit. Anytime anger crops up, it's with flames.Hair - Hongjoong stands out in this town because he goes to the effort of bleaching his hair, while the others all sport their preferred fairly-average cuts and their natural color. But hair is most important in Seonghwa's story - in all of the flashbacks, you'll see that his parents kept his hair in a buzz cut through high school. This is on the surface because it is cheap, easy, and can be done at home with trimmers. But this also is another insight into their control and obsession with heteronormative masculinity for their son, especially after their queer daughter cuts them off. However, in his adulthood, Seonghwa keeps a long ponytail as a symbol of his own identity and choice, even while working in a factory setting where short hair would be easier and less noticeable. Hair is important to most people for all kinds of reasons, but for Seonghwa it is the small way he can honor his identity, and take back some measure of control over himself from his parents/upbringing."Something real." - As total opposite ends of the ghost believer spectrum, a foil I didn't intend to write but wormed its way in was the focus for both Hongjoong and Yeosang on seeking out things that feel "real." For Hongjoong, this is returning back to his hometown where he finds friends that are far more than surface-level, and they start to remind him of his real identity, his real feelings. He also thinks this to himself before starting the investigations in earnest — "I know I saw something real," he thinks to himself.Yunho experiences something similar, and I think that's one reason he and Hongjoong have such a close tie by the end of this story. Yunho finds people who are authentic, and allow him to be authentic too. He also sees a ghost for the first time, and then floats between self-doubt and conviction for a large chunk of this story.For Yeosang, it's the way he grounds himself to this world, and why he fights the belief in the supernatural so hard. When Jongho finds him in the stables after the events at the Witch House, he admits that he can't wrap his head around what happened at the Witch House, but says he came to be with the horses because he needed "something real." For Yeosang, reality is what he can touch, feel, and see. For Hongjoong, it's the shadow in the corner of the room he knows he experienced. For both of them, it's magnetic, and the most important thing in the world.

Q&A

Q&A


• What inspired TASPI? Like the first thoughts that made it come to life?
This is a great question and it's got a lot of answers.The first thought that made it come to mind was a dream and me goofing off with my best friend. A little after New Years 2024, my house got struck with viral pneumonia, and while on all the meds, I watched a ton of my fav comfort YouTube content: Buzzfeed Unsolved. In the midst of that, I had a dream about ghost hunting. Then, when I told my bff-and-roommate, we somehow got around to riffing about how we thought different idols would handle ghost hunting, and that's the kernel that got me to search AO3 and see if the story I was hankering for was already written. It wasn't, so I started a phone note with my ideas.But the inspirations are many. I'd recently reread The Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater and her characterization and low-magical realism/small town setting was definitely stirring my brain. I love Buzzfeed Unsolved and have watched a ton of ghost hunting reality TV. I've lived in a bunch of small towns with various crumbling buildings and nothing to do after 8pm. I used to wander graveyards with my mother and grandmother when we had a free Saturday just to see what we found. So... TASPI was sparked when I thought of an idea I wanted to read but couldn't find, but its inspirations have roots all through my life. Which might be silly for a fanfiction but it's true.• Can you also explain your writing process? Were you the go-with-the-flow type or structurally organized?
I am an architect writer, almost to a tee. I tend to go through three steps to get a story settled in my head before I ever write it:1. a story "sketch"
I need a play space to get my head wrapped around an idea, but I also have a terrible memory, so I have a doc that is just for all of my scrawlings and "what ifs" to nail down what exactly the story I want to tell even is. This is where I'll jot down random dialogue if I think of it but don't have a scene yet, where I put character notes on vibes, backstories, and appearance, and takes on what the story can be. (Also if you're like me and need to focus on one wip at a time, a tip is to start one of these docs when a different idea strikes your fancy! That way, you have somewhere to messily dump ideas, and you can return to it when your current wip is finished!)2. story outline versions
When I think I know the story, I start a new doc for an outline, where I try to tackle and color code which arc (character/relationship/overall plot) the scene relates to, and bare bones of what that scene will be. This way, I can move stuff around until it makes sense.3. story outline, finalized
(The "final" outline, before later changes, is linked in the above section!) Once I feel settled into an outline that I feel addresses the overall plot and any relevant subplot arcs, giving them all enough time and space to develop, I'm then confident to start writing for real. So that's when I start my draft doc where I do the actual process of writing the outline points into real scenes. For TASPI, it was all in one doc until I got about 100k words in, and then I had to split it into one doc per chapter so I could load the docs on my phone and iPad to work on them lmao.• Did you write it chronologically or out of order?
So, I wrote it mostly chronologically. The first fleshed out scene I wrote was the prologue, which ended up not coming in until chapter 8, and while editing there were a few scenes that I moved around once it became clear they needed to hit a different beat. But for probably 90% of the story you read, the scenes are in the order I wrote them.


• What was your thought process in how you built the plot? For example, my fav chapter is actually the chapter where Mingi saved San from the burning house, how did you decide on inserting that chapter—what was it that you wanted to highlight from that?
I started with the overall plot idea: Ateez ghost hunting, likely in an amateur way. So I had to come up with an AU that fit that idea and justifications for them to do it. Then, I decided I wanted to start out trying to write the government pairings, and I chose the vibes I wanted them to have as relationship arcs. This is from my sketch doc, once I had made a lot of basic character decisions and started to work on plotting:"Main plot: Yunho moving, gets haunted; boys make the society, begin investigating; after several investigations with here/there results, they investigate Yunho’s house and find it to be actually Super Haunted; Survive-the-Night set of chapters; when they make it out, bloodied and bruised and weirdly feeling invincible, kissing.
Subplots:
Romantic:
Yunho and Mingi getting closer, get their own place together in the epilogue
Seonghwa and Hongjoong reconciling (after they dated in high school, broke up when HJ moved away, and have been a little weird and mostly painfully single since)
San and Wooyoung are already kind of together but get more public
Jongho and Yeosang getting closer" (Note: originally they were secretive and their open reveal was after the hospital investigation!)Once I had that north star set of ideas, I just started my version 1 outline where I laid out the scenes that needed to happen. As I did this, I also made character decisions — and once I decided San was a firefighter, I knew there needed to be a housefire. And when I decided that they'd burn the Witch House, I knew there had to be another fire so it didn't feel like San was only included in the narrative as a deus ex machina for fire duty.Initially, it was going to be a normal fire-putting-out, but it felt like it would be a great emotional beat and mid-point in the story if it held real danger and panic. A reminder after the Bridge that they can die from normal shit, you know? That their found-family could suffer not just from ghosts or small town politics, but from real world dangers. And it only felt right for Mingi to go in for San — narratively, it gave Yunho a closer buy-in to the drama, but the Mingi in this story is so smart and so all-in for the people he loves. Of course he'd train to help fight local fires. Of course he'd think quick enough to wet his coat and run in. Of course he'd think of his mother before rushing in.(This also gave us another insight into Seonghwa — he wears Mingi's jacket to confront the firefighter. He cares for San and would have been angry for him, but it's Mingi's involvement that makes him risk his career for a swing at the guy.)• What was your thought process behind building each of the characters?
Sort of addressed above — I built the characters as I built the plot, puzzling them all out at the same time. Sometimes the plot had to go a certain way because the character it involved would respond one given way, and sometimes the plot gave me a question and answering it told me more about who I was writing.But I know that's a bit of a cop-out answer in a way. I also knew I didn't want any two to be exactly the same flavor of small town guy, so I did lean on some real memories of people I've known to help forge their core before building out their specifics.Hongjoong, for example, is the quintessential Hallmark Movie Protagonist, the one who only sees the value of his hometown after he's left it, and finds love in his high school sweetheart upon his return. There's no world where he isn't in the arts.Wooyoung and San are both the Good Local Boys from Good Families, but one inherits a business and one has to build out his own place with his bare hands.Mingi and Seonghwa are both the guys who would be Good Local Boys if their family names didn't kneecap them right out of the gate (Seonghwa is further on this spectrum than Mingi, of course). Mingi does good by becoming a local fixture alongside San and at the school, but there's still a small air of distrust toward him from locals without San's presence. Seonghwa is the most similar to a lot of the older men I knew back home, who's trained himself to overwork himself to exhaustion and show no emotion that isn't on the anger spectrum to save himself pain. In real life, Seonghwa would likely have a drinking habit, but I didn't want to tackle addiction (especially in the rural context) in this story.Yeosang is the guy who came from local money. Because I wanted him to still be an empathetic character, I had that twist into shame for him rather than just be un-self-aware privilege. Which meant I needed his partner to be present to remind him that being moneyed isn't a crime if you're not a criminal with it — Jongho gives up his wealth track (not that he isn't still doing well) to come coach little league and process farm loan payments, because he has a good heart. And it's important that Yeosang witness that, especially from the man who loves and grounds him.And Yunho, sweet Yunho, has to be the missing piece: someone middling in many ways (middle class, outsider with a local tie, determined to keep peace at all costs), and, most importantly, to be the spiritual battery. I think that extends into his social habits, trying to give energy to the room without upsetting its balance.And that was the way I fit them together while also grounding them in the reality of their setting, and working out how they'd puzzle into the Society.• What were your favorite scenes that you wrote?
I love scenes that make me cry to write them, so my first thought is the Seongjoong scene where Seonghwa takes Hongjoong to see his house and fully breaks down. That whole car conversation was just so raw and real and when I read the dialogue to my spouse (who does not interact with fandom spaces/fanfic) got choked up, I knew I hit it right.The entire camping chapter was a delight, start to finish, because it was such a lovely blend of POVs, of lore and humor and scares, it was just fun to put the guys in a bottle episode for a bit. As Molly @Dazl1ngL1ght1ny put it in their comment, "I just wanna take this opportunity to remind the guys that a city boy and a pygmy goat are now loose alone in the woods at night? This is a mistake 😅" and that silly (true) observation kept me going for weeks!I also loved getting a scare down right, so the bridge, Yunho finding the chair back inside, the entirety of Brooks and the Witch House chapters were all so *clenches fist* satisfying!• Is this your favorite characterization you’ve done for Yungi?
I think this is the truest version of Yungi I've written, though it isn't my favorite. My other takes on Yungi (as of now, so Gunfight, Doom, and Rough Air) are all such alternate takes on them that they feel more separated from the real-life dynamic we often see between Yunho and Mingi. (My favorite characterization I've done for these two is Gunfight.)• How long did it take you from start to finish?
I first started dreaming up TASPI in early January of 2024 and wrapped it up in mid-November of 2024. I did the bulk of the writing by early summer, but I didn't finalize the epilogue until the week it was posted, so that rounds out to a little over ten months!• What was your favorite part of writing TASPI?
This will be long-winded, but: reconnecting with my writing.
I was one of the kids that spent my youth and teen years believing I'd be an author, writing little stories here and there and writing a lot of fanfiction. I'm old and had unrestricted internet access too young, so my earliest fics were written around 2006 (posted on MySpace and forums until ff.net came around!) and I even posted a few things on AO3 about a decade ago.
But when I was in undergrad, the 1D fandom ruined those boys' lives, so I backed out of rpf and eventually dropped out of fic and writing for pleasure entirely. Then I did the usual: graduate, get an "adult job" that sucks your soul from your body, and ignore all creative pursuits for years. I was lucky enough to still love reading, and I think those years of reading all kinds of works, of all kinds of genres and qualities, really helped me to figure out just how I like prose and story.
So, when I let myself unleash and just write a story for fucking fun, one that seemed like a good blend of my favorite elements, it genuinely reminded me what I loved so much about writing all those years ago. I think I owe Ateez for a lot of things tbh, but one of the most valuable gifts they've given me is my own writing.• Are there any deleted scenes you can share?
So, anything I fully delete from my draft kind of just gets deleted. But I can share some of the biggest changes made from my early outlines to the final story! This list isn't comprehensive, just ones I noticed when going through my docs for this commentary. All the changes were made for various reasons and I stand by them.— Originally, Jongho was from town as well! His parents were retired athletes who'd bought a large ranch plot and raised him and his (Olympian) brother there but sent them off to fancy camps and stuff his whole childhood, and while his brother went the athletic route, Jongho was more interested in his parents' investments.
— Wooyoung originally had a shop cat until I realized it probably wouldn't be a good idea with the kitchen and all.
— Wooyoung's original plot was his store failing and San working there free of charge to lower his costs. In that version, they did a fundraiser instead of the fall festival.
— Yunho was initially a Twitch streamer (so the power cuts caused that kind of issue), but I realized I knew very little about streaming so I swapped him to being a journalist.
— There was one extra scene to the Seongjoong back story: after Hongjoong left, he got thrown in the drunk tank as a college freshman and called Seonghwa again.
— Seonghwa initially got back in touch with his sister when I first added the extra chapters to the end, but it busied the already busy final act far too much. Just know that out there somewhere as he and Hongjoong work to heal their past, Seonghwa and his sister reconnect and become important in one another's lives.
— Mingi's dad didn't die and wasn't relevant at all, instead his subplot was to get a grant to start a robotics/engineering program at the high school.
— Original ending was going to be as they stood outside of the Witch House, watching it burn.• How did you handle the cover art?
I made it myself, with lots of hype and support from Molly @Dazl1ingL1ght1ny! They helped me learn how to use the layering in Procreate as well as finding textures and brushes to make sure things got that sort of almost dusty feeling I wanted! I also spent a lot of time looking at movie posters (both official and unofficial fanart posters) on Pinterest to get a vibe for the sort of overall composition I wanted to go with. This method has served me well for later cover art pieces, too!• Can you show us some of your handwritten notes for it?
Absolutely! I'll include some photos of my notebook below. I only started using the notebook once I was past twenty chapters into writing, so the early stuff was all digital, and then I found that notebooks helped me immensely. I'm currently on fic notebook #4.

Playlist Commentary

*** Spotify Playlist, Available Here ***When the Light Goes - Portugal. The Man & Marcin
Captures the vibe of the prologue
All the eyes on me are rollin’ / Hope I don’t see a ghost when the light goes on


The View Between Villages - Noah Kahan
This is a hundred percent a song about Hongjoong’s drive home, and was on repeat as I wrote that opening scene. In many ways, this whole Noah Kahan album is the tone of this story and setting: home/homesickness and what that means, how a hometown both makes and breaks you into who you become. TASPI is really, at heart, a love letter and a goodbye to me and to the many places I came from.
Past Algerbrook Road, I’m over the bridge / A minute from home but I feel so far from it / The death of my dog, the stretch of my skin / It’s all washin’ over me, I’m angry again / The things that I lost here, the people I knew / They got me surrounded for a mile or two


American Teenager - Ethel Caine
High school vibes for Hongjoong and Mingi both, a throwback to visceral memories of growing up (though this story isn’t intentionally set in America/the US)
I do what I want, crying in the bleachers / And I said it was fun / I don’t need anything from anyone / It’s just not my year, but I’m still good out here


Shoot at Will - Zayn
Seongjoong, from Hongjoong’s POV
I was in love with you / Though I didn’t show the truth / Just took a drag, oh, ain’t it a drag / When you feel like history’s pullin’ you back


i am not who i was - Chance Pena
Seongjoong, from Seonghwa’s POV
When you see what I’ve become / Will you love me for who I am, not who I was?


Boy Meets Evil - BTS
Yunho’s introduction to the house


The Pines - Roses & Revolutions
Both the forest vibes as Yunho goes further into the trees to the house, but also a little bit of a hint at the ghosts (vibes wise)
We’ll leave all our secrets behind / Meet me in the pines


Rat in the Trap - The Boyz
Yunho’s slow draw into the mystery of the house as he begins to notice weird shit
You’re just in the trap / Chasing the night


Nobody’s Soldier - Hozier
A glimpse into Yunho’s relationship with his parents and resentment toward their prescriptive goals for his life
I don’t wanna choose between being a salesman or a solider


Blue Sky & the Painter - Bastille
Jongho gets his new office (WITH A WINDOW oh honey)
Feel like the stars got bored of coming down / but, oh, I caught them up there last night / Is that a blue sky? Is that a blue sky? / It’s about damn time


I am Easy to Find - The National
Jongho’s perspective on Yeosang, especially after following him here
You never were much of a New Yorker / It wasn’t in your eyes
There’s a million little battles that I’m never gonna win anyway / I’m still waiting for you every night with ticker tape


Pancakes for Dinner - Lizzy McAlpine
the chorus is woosan, like completely, in the lead up to their final confessions about love and marriage. This is domestic love, simple and quiet and home-grown through the building of a friendship. San and Wooyoung want the small things with one another, and they want them forever.
To tell you is too scary / So I’ll just say something else / And I wish that you could hear me / When I talk to myself … I wanna eat pancakes for dinner / I wanna get stuck in your head / I wanna watch a TV show together / And when we’re under the weather we can watch it in bed


AM - One Direction
the theme song for the booth at the cafe
You and me were raised in the same part of town / Got these cars on the same ground / Remember how we used to kick around just wasting time? / Won’t you stay till the AM? / All my favorite conversations always made in the AM


MANADA - Humbe
firstly, vibes! secondly, this song has very strong woosan and jongsang vibes for their underlying stability and connection
You are part of the house and part of me … You make me feel like I’m complete / I finished the journey, I already have an amulet / My essence is naked, you see my defects / Beautiful and perfect, divine and displayed by you / For you, for you, for you


No Complaints - Noah Kahan
This song is in many ways Seonghwa’s theme, a meditation on depression and coping in ways that make you functional but will never allow you to feel contentment or happiness. I know I simplified a lot of his depression in this story, so it could be “fixed” by Hongjoong’s reappearance, but in reality if there is a continuation of this story, Seonghwa still has so much to process and deal with and likely needs medication to help him pull back out of the slow nosedive into something more sustainable. I believe Hongjoong would be the push he needs to do it, though.
And now the pain’s different / It still exists, it’s just escapes different / And evades vision, makes the rain different / Make the news boring and my rage different / Yes, I’m young and living dreams / In love with being noticed and afraid of being seen / But I can finally eat and I can fall asleep / It’s fine fine fine … I saw the ending, looked just like the middle


Heaven Sent - Parker Millsap
This song was selected specifically for Seonghwa’s confrontation with his parents—finally recognizing the treatment of himself for what it was and demanding answers. While it’s never directly addressed that their homophobia is religiously influenced (because they are pretty awful people), that is the underlying tone for it.
Raised me straight and raised me true / Spent my days becoming you … Tried my hardest not to be / I locked the door and broke the key … I ain’t some kinda creature / From some old double-feature / I just wanna make you proud with the kind of love I’ve found / But you say it ain’t love / You say that it’s a sin but it’s how I’ve always been / Did you love me when he was just my friend?


First Love - Astro
ngl this is mostly just vibes for Seongjoong’s historical starting point


First Defeat - Noah Gundersen
I associate this song with both Seonghwa and Yunho, how they come from backgrounds lacking support
It’s the first defeat / That cuts you to your bones / Knocks you off your feet / And you discover that home / Is not a person or place / But a feeling you can’t get back


A House in Nebraska - Ethel Caine
While this is a lot of things, I really feel this is about Seongjoong’s place in the woods, that tree and the blanket, the only spot Seonghwa ever felt like he was home and the place he ended up buying for his own settling down.
We had nothing except each other / You were my whole world / Then the day came and you were up and gone / And I still call home that house in Nebraska … Where the world was empty save you and I / Where you came and I laughed, and you left and I cried / Where you told me even if we died tonight / That I’d die yours … You were the only one I was never scared to tell I hurt
Also, this is a little hint that Hongjoong’s mother kept up with Seonghwa for awhile, she was always so kind to him, but when it was clear that he and Hongjoong both still carried the hurt of that night, she slowly stopped doing so and stopped giving Hongjoong the DL
Your momma calls me sometimes to see if I’m doing well / And I’d lie to her and say that I’m doing fine / When really I’d kill myself to hold you one more time / And it hurts to miss you but it’s worse to know / That I’m the reason you won’t come home


The following 4 songs are basically just vibes songs for Yunho’s house hauntings escalating and his general spooked feeling:
The Railroad - Goodnight, Texas
You Can Run - Adam Jones
Knock, Knock (Who’s There?) - Red Velvet
Koong - Xikers


ultimamente - Humbe
Hongjoong to Seonghwa, internally
I probably won’t be / the one who’s going to take you to that place / A place with so much happiness … If I could, I would take you to the sky


True Blue - boygenius
to me, this song is THE childhood-to-adult friends song. it’s so gritty and real to what that experience is, and screams of minsan and minhwa in this story both
It feels good to be known so well / I can’t hide from you like I hide from myself / I remember who I am when I’m with you / Your love is tough, your love is tried and true blue


Good In You - Seinabo Sey
the song I had playing when I wrote about Mingi first sighting Yunho in the cafe, and Yunho first reacting to their knees brushing
What’s your name and can I call you mine? / All I want’s a moment of your time / I see the good in you, do you see it too?


Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National
This song is in many ways Yunho’s theme, all about leaving home and never feeling like he’s in the right place
I still owe money to the money to the money I owe / I never thought about love when I thought about home … The floors are falling out from everybody I know


Growing Sideways - Noah Kahan
Another Seonghwa anthem, in how he’s grown into a gnarled thing
So I divvied up my anger into thirty separate parts / Keep the bad shit in my liver and the rest around my heart / I’m still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them / But it’s a start
But also a Yunho anthem, in his lack of identity
Everyone’s growing and everyone’s healthy / I’m terrified I might never have met me / Oh, if my engine runs perfect on empty / I guess I’ll drive


History - One Direction
Another OT8 around the booth vibe song
You and me got a whole lotta history


Pining - Parker Millsap
Yungi and Woosan as the story progresses and their romances develop on their respective tracks
‘Cause the silver linin’ / Baby, it’s blindin’ / ‘Cause I’m pinin’ for you


In the Woods Somewhere - Hozier
The vibe of the camping scene a little, I listened to this on repeat while writing the hohong woods moment
What caused the wound? / How large the teeth? / I sure knew eyes / Were watching me … How many years / I know I’ll bear / I found something in the woods somewhere


The Raven - Sam Tinnesz
This song felt like a conversation between Yunho and his aunt. He’s lonesome, far away, and she’s trying her best to warn him however she can.
Just let me know I’m not forgotten out here alone … I’m so far from home (Yunho)
I’m sending a raven with blood on its wings / hoping it reaches you in time and you know what it means (his aunt)


Dead Man Running - Seulgi
Also just a vibes song, but this one was absolutely on repeat while I wrote the final House scene


Arsonist’s Lullaby - Hozier
this was the theme for the ghost doctor, for me, when I was working on his lore or scenes involving his hauntings
When I was a man I thought it ended / When I knew love’s perfect ache / But my peace has always depended / On all the ashes in my wake


Fantasmas - Humbe
this song is about loss and memory, and represented a lot of the softer, sadder moments in the story: Yunho going through family photos of people he didn’t even recognize, different members’ nostalgia, Mingi learning the news of his dad’s passing and accepting it
So many photos filling the picture frames, my personal museum / There are not many trophies, with you it’s enough / And even though I carry you in my blood, it hurts to feel you so far away … In this house, ghosts don’t exist, only memories / They are a thousand feelings / Of what we lived when you were here


I’ll Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie
soft Yungi vibes (we cheered, we cried), and it was on repeat the night Mingi told Yunho about his father and slept in his lap, when the ghost took the hint and let them be
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white / Just our hands clasped so tight / Waiting for a hint of a spark … If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks / Then I’ll follow you into the dark


A Little Bit of Everything - Lizzy McAlpine
In some ways, this song became the heart of the story. While it’s a story that’s extremely plot heavy, it’s also… so many little moments stitched together? It’s Wooyoung’s venison stew with soda bread, it’s the eerie quiet of a hallway between doors banging, it’s a glance or a hand reaching out. I didn’t think I wanted to write slice of life until I started seeing the slices of these boys’ lives waiting to be written.
Have you figured out just what it is you want? / I want a little bit of everything / The biscuits and the beans / Whatever helps me to forget / The things that brought me to my knees


Memo - Olly Alexander
This song is just so gentle and sweet and intimate sounding, I listened to it a lot for various relationships’ softer longing moments or intimate moments
Let me take your heart / Love you in the dark / No one has to see / I want more, I want more, I want more … Who wouldn’t want it when he looks like that? / I want you to stay / And if I try my hardest, would you look my way?


In the Dark - Bobby
Another song of pining vibes, especially one that felt Yungi, once Mingi starts sleeping over
Please know that I like you / I just want to be there for the rest of your life / The cold air is so sweet, so sweet, so sweet / At dawn, at dawn / I think of you


Patadas de Ahogado - Latin Mafia & Humbe
THE. SONG. I listen to this when I write slow burn/romantic sex scenes. Idk. It’s just so sweet sounding and has a good flow and I love it.
I’m not afraid to admit that / Ever since the first time I saw you / I could already see it coming: To be all-in for you / 'Cause I already knew what I was going for / Wanting to buy us a piece of land and build a life for us / 'Cause with you, I knew / That you and I are going the extra mile


Escape - The Boyz
I don’t even know the words for this one, it’s just a vibes song I listened to on repeat for the yungi sex scene and it stuck around in the playlist over it lmao


Love Me Back - Max McNown
This isn’t any one pairing, more of a feeling I think I instilled into each of them at one point or another (Seongjoong in the past, but the rest around the time they really settle into learning how much they care for one another)
Fell a little too hard, just a little too fast / Put my soul in your hands like a penny on a track / I’ve given you my heart and all the love I have / And I’m just happy that you love me back


Sweet Creature - Harry Styles
This was a song I listened to a lot for the Seongjoong reunion—especially relating to the reveal for Seonghwa’s house. Whether Hongjoong knew it or not, Seonghwa was taking him home, to the place they both shared, at the end of a road.
Had another talk about where it’s going wrong … It’s hard when we argue / We’re both stubborn, I know / But oh, sweet creature, sweet creature / wherever I go, you will bring me home / Sweet creature, sweet creature / When I run out of road / You bring me home


May It Be - 2Cellos
Instrumental for beautiful, dramatic vibes. Listened to this one a lot when I was writing intense dialogue.


See You Later (Ten Years) - Jenna Raine
I think everyone’s heard this song, but it was an early song for me when figuring out the Seongjoong arc—I wanted to mimic this sort of extremely bittersweet feeling when they finally reconnect, because even the relief hurts.
Can’t fall in love when I’ve found the one / How am I supposed to move on / When you’re never really too far gone? (Seonghwa to Hongjoong)
The memories won’t go away / I feel pain every time I hear your name / But I always think of you the same (Hongjoong to Seonghwa)


New Perspective - Noah Kahan
If you can’t tell, Noah was a HUGE inspiration for this whole story. This one’s just a theme for the group/the town.
You made Ohio feel just like Central Park


Karma - Tiziano Ferro & John Legend
Another theme for virtually all of the couples <3 It’s just so sweet!
I fear the worst in me / But you know the best of me … Is this karma? Can you hear me? / My heart is singing everything I wanna say / I think about you every single day


Amor a Primera - Humbe
This one’s a hundred percent a Yungi song, mostly a Mingi-to-Yunho song. I mean:
I thank you / For making me understand / That love exists / Love at first sight / Love that comes and doesn't warn you / It's the best kind of love

Circles - Wyn Starks
This one and the next are both very much about the Woosan engagement
Baby, I don’t need much / ‘Cause when you’re beside me / I feel like I have enough … It’s you that I wanted / It was you all of this time / And it’s you that keeps running circles ‘round my mind / Yeah, it’s you I wanna / Dream about when Iay down at night


Holy - Justin Bieber & Chance the Rapper
(engagement vibes continue)
The way you hold me / Feels so holy / On god / Running to the altar like a track star / Can’t wait another second


Moon over Mono - Alasdair Fraser & Natalie Haas
another instrumental vibes song I loved for writing dialogue, especially dramatic/intense dialogue


Nightmares - The Boyz
Now into the songs that were key in getting the vibes for both The House on Brookline Road/The Witch House chapters right
Imposing unimaginable nights / You and me, both witnesses and spectators


Devil - Bobby
The devil’s tryna pull me off from my glory from my heaven


Lion - Saint Mesa
Mingi’s possession song, all vibes. I, of course, associate Mingi with lions because leo, but also because throughout the story I have Yunho refer to him as a sunshine/sunlight, and this song has such a delicious, aggressive intensity
You were December / Eyes cold, freeze my blood / Somehow, somehow not enough / Bring the lion out / Bring the, bring the lion out


Blood // Water - grandson
Continuing through Mingi’s possession, especially as he’s seen and interacted with the others along the hallway and down the stairs
Now I am the violence / I am the sickness / Won’t accept your silence / Beg me for forgiveness / We’ll never get free, lamb to the slaughter / What you gonna do when there’s blood in the water?


Change on the Rise - Avi Kaplan
This song very much represented the moments when Hongjoong was interacting with the ghost of Yunho’s aunt in that dark bedroom, when she shows him to use the fire
What good’s a man / Who’s lost his soul? / Can’t take a stand / When his flame’s gone cold / Fend off the enemy / Sing out the jubilee / With all the fire we can breathe


Things We Lost In the Fire - Bastille
A hundred percent the vibe of the boys all standing outside watching the witch house burn down to the ground
Do you understand that we will never be the same again? / The future’s in our hands and we will never be the same again / These are the things we lost in the fire


Through the Dark - One Direction
And into the aftermath and recovery, this one felt very much key to several of the members as they came to terms with it all
When the night is coming down on you / We will find a way through the dark


Brother - Lord Huron
This was the song for the protective moments after the fire: the boys cornering Yunho’s father and Seonghwa comforting Wooyoung through his panic attack at the cafe
I’ve shared my life with you, brother / Since I recall, you’ve been my friend … Don’t turn away, don’t tell me that we’re not the same / We face the fire together, brothers ‘til the end


REM - Humbe
okay so confession: this song doesn’t really vibe with this section as it’s much more of something that felt right with the pining earlier in the story, buttttt it sounded better here in the playlist flow! so!


Luck - American Authors
Yunho picking himself up and calling his connections to see about the book deal, finally gathering his courage to reach for something he wants since he’s done so by choosing Mingi already
I’m sorry mother … I’m sorry father / I know I let you down … Please just listen / ‘Cause I don’t ask for much / I am my own man / I make my own luck


Megan & Jarrod - Alasdair Fraser & Natalie Haas
Instrumental, lovely song I listened to while writing Woosan’s wedding scene


Good Times - Sam Cooke
Another theme for the cafe, as the guys all gather there as days pass
Yeah, it might be one o’clock and it might be three / Time don’t mean that much to me / I ain’t felt this good since I don’t know when / And I might not feel this good again / So come on and let the good times roll / We gon’ stay here ‘til we soothe our souls / If it take all night long


Old Friends - Ben Rector
So… this song is one that really hits me right in the chest anytime I hear it, and it really is, in many ways, the song that is the heart of this story at the end. These are all people who are old friends—even Yunho, after they go through what they’ve gone through together, really, and it speaks so much to the goal I had for how their found family dynamic would feel. I hope I succeeded.
My God, it’s been ten years now / I would have his back tomorrow / And he’d still fight anyone who tried to touch me / Can you take me back when we were just kids / Who weren’t scared of getting older? / ‘Cause no one knows you like they know you / And no one probably ever will / You can grow up, make new ones / But the truth is there’s nothing like old friends

gunfight commentary

We Could Be a Gunfight is a work that is very close to my heart. This story comes from a lot of places, but most of them are love letters: it is a love letter to rodeo, to Texas, to Ateez, and to so many of the men I was raised around, who had to protect their own peace in ways that often were not fair to themselves.This idea began with a line that hit me while I was listening to a country playlist at work one afternoon. I scribbled the line into my notebook between packing orders:I figure I’ll be riding bulls until the bulls decide I can't anymore.From there, I explored the story for awhile to make sure it felt real to my experience of Texas, my experience of (watching) rodeo, and how I thought two queer first-generation Americans might react in a world like this, how they might live.I included in my disclaimers for the story and I still stand by this: I did not, and do not, ever want to step on the actual lived experiences of marginalized groups or immigrants in this state/country, I just wanted to put the boys in Texas rodeo. And that meant addressing it. If anyone with an identity closer to the characters expresses different experiences, please know that those experiences carry infinitely more weight than my fictional story.It was also important to me that this story address the realities of being a person who makes a given sport their personal identity: eventually, the body can't do the competitions anymore, even without significant injury. And there is grief with that. There is longing and loss for a time when it was still all possible. It is a dream with a biological expiration date. Add in the risks of working with livestock trained to try to harm you, and it's a recipe for heartbreak. But it's also a recipe for healing.I know a lot of folks skip this story because of the Major Character Injury tag, and I suppose I can't blame them, but I like to believe this is, above all, a story about how all the big emotions — love and pride and devotion and fear and pain and grief — all entangle with one another and become the environment for relationships to make you or break you. And this is a story about people who carry one another out of the dark to see the sun again.

Behind the Scenes, Themes, and Insights

The first version of this story was going to be 8 chapters, to mimic the 8 seconds. These were my first bullet points, after that line above:• Yunho and Mingi have been running into one another at regional rodeos for a couple of years now, both are pretty obvious - not many Koreans in the Texan rodeo circuit, but they’re both tall and broad and country and willing to get themselves bruised and broken for the love of the sport
• They compete in different events, though, so it’s just that they’re aware for one another and through comparisons/mutual acquaintances
• They wear chaps [devilish grin]
• Mingi is a bull rider
• Yunho rides broncs
• bronco riding is bareback I mean it’s RIGHT THERE
• Yunho’s gotten close to going national champion before, but missed it by one fuckup. The summer they keep seeing each other, he’s trying to make a comeback (or maybe not, maybe he’s a rancher or something and this is him enjoying the ride for his passion as long as he can - even if he knows he’s not the best in the world)
• Anyway, Yunho’s watching Mingi on the bullriding night of some rodeo and it’s clear they’re both world class - but they’re both stuck here. Later that night, out by the trucks and trailers, they both see one another. Yunho is walking by and Mingi is eating an apple with a knife - menacing but hot.
• Yunho strikes up a conversation.
• Western shirts, hats, chaps, the whole nine yards.As you can see, the story changed a lot as I developed the outline that would end up lining up with the story you've read (this one took 3 versions of outlines to get there).In my first big fic, I explored feelings of other-ness through the lens of one outsider next to seven people with established relationships. In this one, I wanted to explore how different people experiencing similiar othering can respond so differently, and what loneliness can look like when it meets a matching loneliness. Since this was a Yungi story rather than OT8, it took the pressure off, and let me dive into something that feels much more like a character study. And boy howdy did I fall in love with these two.Early on, I decided that this story would be more atmosphere and character study than plot. Of course it has one, but nothing nearly as spiderwebbing and complicated as TASPI's plot. But! I still wanted the setting to feel complete and real, which meant I would need to be much more specific with my word choices and more intentional with building ambiance.For TASPI and other stories, I read every line of dialogue out loud so that I can listen to myself and see whether it sounds like real words a human would say or not. For Gunfight, I decided to read every word of the whole story out loud, letting myself lean into my accent more than usual. That way, I thought, it would sound Texan even in the narration and description, not just the dialogue directly. I also believed this would help with the characters sounding Texan without needing to make their dialogue cartoonish with too much heavy-handed accented grammar.This means that a lot of the narrative is based in what I think of as very Texas-informed imagery and verbiage. I mention a lot of brand names for things like trucks, boots, and hats, because those are things every cowboy I've ever met has opinions on. Each line of this story was intentional, which made it extra difficult — but extra rewarding — to write. So, laced throughout the narrative, you'll find lines that (I, at least, believe) are more poetic than my prior works. A few of the narrative lines that come to mind:• "The knowing way he said it shook something loose in Yunho. The gloom of it rattled around inside until it banged against his heart—not breaking it in a broken way, but more like a hairline fracture. Mingi knew himself, knew he would never be able to loosen his grip on the rush of the ride. As long as he breathed, he’d be living for the next go at eight seconds."• "As Yunho breathed him in, he got smoke, Old Spice, the sweat of a day spent in the sun and heat, the hint of worn leather, and a bready lager he must have drank up in the stands. Yunho was thirsty, hot, and his muscles were beginning to untense into a relaxed soreness. All around him, Mingi swirled like a funnel cloud."• "So, the winter chill blowing across the plains was met with the heat of their bodies pressed against one another. Later on, when Yunho would look back on those few months, they would be an indistinct blur of kisses to thighs and hips and permanently-bent fingers, of open-mouthed moans into soiled flannel sheets, of quiet almost-admissions and soft moments beneath the bright stars of the expansive Texan sky. By the time the highways began to blanket over with borders of bluebonnets and indian paintbrushes, Mingi had even broken through the shell of Yunho’s secretive bend."• "Yunho didn’t know how to say it. They’d never labeled themselves officially, but how did you quickly explain that you were an open ribcage housing someone else’s heart?"When it comes to motifs, a great many of them in this story can be condensed into the concepts of cowboys, but a few I tried to be consistent about are:Horses - It was important to me that Yunho sees the world through the lens of a Horse Guy. When he's deciding how to handle a situation, he'll often associate it with horse behavior to help ground himself and choose his path of action. When he's trying to work himself up to confronting Mingi, he directly compares him to a horse, exemplifying how much his internal framework revolves around the animals he loves so dearly:• "Every once in awhile, when breaking a horse, you had to make yourself climb onto one you knew would throw you. Some horses were just clever enough and tenacious enough to trick you, and eventually, you learned to see it coming. But to break them, you had to climb on anyway. That’s what he needed to do now. Climb on anyway, knowing it would hurt."Pink - It's a little cliche, but it's still true that pink is often seen as a girly thing in the circles these guys would run in. So, I thought it important that Mingi find power in reclaiming it for himself. Pink, in this story, is a signal of authenticity.It started simply because I love Bubblegum Mingi from the Outlaw era, but it became so much more than that. Mingi's hair and his gear (including his mouth guard) are all in his control, and he picks pink when he can.I also added small moments of positive pinks associated with Mingi's body, too — his lips, his blushed cheeks, his cock. Yunho preferring pink too, such as the Pink Lady apples! It's a "why are the curtains blue?" moment for sure, but one I enjoyed adding in.So, when the woman approaches them at the bar early on, she's got pink nails on purpose. They're intended to be the more acceptable usage of the color in this cultural context. And they tell on her — even though she's trying to seem like the kind of rough-and-tumble horse girl, her manicured pink nails give away her authentic self, proving to Yunho that she's a false-front buckle bunny.Weather metaphors - One poetic thread I wanted to keep running throughout is that Mingi is a storm to Yunho, one he finds himself chasing it. Through the narrative, Mingi is described in turn as a funnel cloud swirling around and also a lighthouse drawing him in, his smile as "the sun through storm clouds," and his voice "like distant thunder." Yunho, who has spent his whole life swallowing his identity and feelings down to seem like a calm, blue sky to everyone he meets is pulled in by the turbulence (pun intended) of Song "Pink Hair" Mingi. He's freed by him.Taming language - Early on, Yunho thinks of Mingi as "a man who could tame wild things", and continues referring to him as such through the narrative. But the trick of it all is that in the end, Yunho's the one to tame Mingi. The morning after the bar fight, Mingi — the wildest thing Yunho's ever gotten his hands on — admits to Yunho, "You’re sure as hell not just window dressin’, though. Yunho Jeong, you’re the whole house around me. I don’t know when it happened, but it did, and I can’t turn back now.” With this, we know that Yunho's saddled him, whether he knew it or not.For all of his self-talk about breaking things off with Mingi, about letting the wild stallion run back off into the wide open plains, he can't. Because at heart, Yunho is the one who tames wild things: "Even if Mingi hadn’t just bared his soul to Yunho, even if Yunho thought he was just climbing onto a green that would hurt him, he knew he’d hang on. That’s all he had ever trained to do: through bucks and rears and leaps, to hang on with all his might."Then Mingi gives up nearly all the wild things about himself: the fighting, the whiskey, the need for public conflict, all of it. The only demand he has is riding, which he and Yunho both know they'll never willingly let go of. And through the rest of the story, he proves it to be true.

Q&A

Q&A


• What was the inspiration for Gunfight?The line in the intro section here was the first kernel, but also I cannot lie, seeing cowboy Mingi for Bouncy, the compression-shirt-and-carhartts look he had in the South America leg of Break the Wall, then more of the cowboy Ateez imagery in Work were huge drivers. I also just love livestock very dearly, and when I wrote this, I was feeling especially homesick for horses and cattle.• How long did this one take to write?So, I scripted out a little of it as I was finishing up TASPI, which would have been early November. The bulk of the writing was done through the month of December, and I finished it up in mid-January! I'd say it took about two months of direct work. Also, conveniently, this overlapped with several of the PBR World Finals competitions in December, which I was delighted to discover stream for free on YouTube!• What were your favorite scenes to write/parts of writing for WCBAG?This one was so much fun to research! I have been to rodeos a good number of times, but I never personally knew folks who competed in them (beyond my child relatives joining in mutton busting, the cutest part of the rodeo). So I ended up looking up a lot of elements of it — for example, Mingi and Yunho both ride hat-down, meaning they don't wear helmets and face-guards. In real life, anyone born after 1994 has to wear them, but I wanted to preserve the old cowboy-style look of the riding for this story. I also learned so much from Reddit posts about which boots are best for which competitions or hat brands that were out of my family's league, and my Pinterest still shows me decorative chaps anytime I open it!If photo references are something anyone's interested in: here are a lot of the branded items in the storyMy favorite scenes to write in this one were probably fairly predictable ones. The truck bed scene took me a long time to land right, but when I did, it was SO satisfying! Similarly, Yunho finally climbing on the back of a horse with San and Mingi's encouragement near the end of the story, followed by Mingi's little talk with the filly, was just so healing.Many of the dialogue moments also live in my brain as some of my favorite experiences writing this story. "Everything else is just window dressin'," my HEART.Because I'm me, I also really loved writing the injury scene because there's something about writing a breathless moment of heartbreak that just *clenches fist* hits right in my noggin.• Did you mean to ruin my whole entire life with the injury and hospital scenes?So here's the thing: I really didn't set out to focus all that much on the hospital part. I knew the injury would be tough to read, since I basically held my breath writing that part, but I intended to sorta glaze over the hospital. And then I got there, and I just... everything else that got them that far was so raw and real, I couldn't skip over it. And, as anyone who's had to be the one sleeping on the little couch in a hospital room will tell you, it's a trauma all on its own to be the one with the injured person there. Like Yunho, though, no one ever wants to say that. Luckily, I was writing from his perspective, so I took the chance and reached down into the dirt of some of the worst moments I've experienced and wiped them off a little with my shirt tail before setting them down in the story with as much care and respect as I could muster.

Playlist Commentary

*** Spotify Playlist, Available Here ***Prairie Spring - Jay Ungar & Molly Mason
This fiddler tune is from my favorite instrumental album, and has such a homey southern feel, it just felt right for setting the tone of a Yunho who's used to being alone, who finds solace in it despite his own loneliness, and how sweet the small moments can be.Amarillo by Morning - George Strait
Strait's the man for rodeo songs IMO. And if this song isn't both of our cowboys in this story, I don't know what is.
Amarillo by mornin, up from San Antone / Everything that I got is just what I got on / I ain't got a dime, but what I got is mine / I ain't rich, but Lord, I'm free / Amarillo by mornin', Amarillo's where I'll beThe Cowboy in Me - Tim McGraw
Introduction to Mingi when Yunho first meets Pink Hair
The urge to run, the restlessness / The heart of stone I sometimes get / The things I've done for foolish pride / The me that's never satisfied / The face that's in the mirror when I don't like what I see / I guess that's just the cowboy in meCigarette - Shaya Zamora
This is the draw they feel toward one another even in those first moments, smoking beside Mingi's old beat up Ram
I'm flesh and blood, flesh and blood, flesh and blood / Don't wanna leave you behind / So baby don't leave, don't leave, don't leave / Smoke me like a cigarette, burn me 'til you're wheezing / Tell me that you love me even if you don't mean itThe Fear - The Score
This one felt very much like the vibe of climbing into the gate and mentally prepping for the ride.
Feel the pulse in my veins like a fighter / I'm the rush like the heat from the fire / Nothing can stop me now / I'll scream it 'til my lungs give out ... Fight the fear / Fight the fear / Blood, sweat, tears / Make the pain taste sweeterThe Hurtin' Kind - Orville Peck & Midland
A one-night, lonesome cabaret / Meet me down where the broken-hearted stay / Lie together, tell me lies, baby, I don't mind / I ain't the hurtin' kindRhinestone Cowboy - Glen Campbell
Well, I don't really mind the rain / And the smile can hide all the pain / But you're down when you're ridin' the train that's taking the long way / And I dream of the things I'll doGerald Ford - Goodnight, Texas
Another instrumental favorite of mine that just felt right for addressing their early days of sort of slowly dancing toward one another but not quite settling in yet.Cowpoke - Colter Wall
This one's about Yunho and his work on the ranch, simple and lonesome but fulfilling to his soul.
I ain't got a dime in these ol' worn out jeans / So I'll stop eatin' steak and I'll go back to beans / I'll pick up a ten spot in Prescott, I know / Ridin' the broncs in the big rodeoTexas Sun - Khruangbin & Leon Bridges
Caressing you from Forth Worth to Amarillo / Come on, roll with me 'til the sun dips low / Texas sunSave a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) - Big & Rich
...... self explanatoryCowboys Are Frequently Secretly Fond of Each Other - Orville Peck & Willie Nelson
This song is what sold me on writing them into the Texan rodeo circuit specifically, because tackling the complexities of being queer in that scene was something I wanted to explore.
Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other / What did you think all them saddles and boots was about?The Heart it Beats the Thunder Rolls - The Wind and the Wave
The heart it beats, the thunder rolls / The mind does sleep, the body knows / Keep on, keep on, keep on ... I don't want a fucking picket fence / See I just wanna make you mineSomeone's Someone - MONSTA X
In many ways, the thesis for how their immediate chemistry works out
So completely perfect / Perfect with no reasons / Reasons are for people you're meant to lose / Someone full of secrets / Secrets in the shadows / Shadows with excuses breaking through ... We all wanna be someone's / Wanna be someone's someone / With somebody we can't live withoutMariella - Khruangbin & Leon Bridges
Vibes, yk?
Hair pitch black like the midnight sky / Eyes like the jungle, you're something wildEavesdrop - The Civil Wars
Did someone say truck bed sex and intimacy?
Let's let the stars watch, let them stare / Let the wind eavesdrop, I don't care / For all that we've got, don't let go / Just hold me / I can't pull you closer than this / It's just you and the moon on my skin / Oh, who says it ever has to end?How Far Will We Take It? - Orville Peck & Noah Cyrus
(truck scene continued, vibes-wise since this is sort of a breakup song? but whatever we press on)
'Cause I've been waiting, don't wanna waste it / We're all alone now, how far will we take it? / Being in your arms is what I came here forChainsmoking - Jacob Banks
I know this cold love won't lead me to the Lord / Although I'm black and blue, I'm begging you for more / It's getting harder to breathe / Chainsmoking your loveQueen of the Rodeo - Orville Peck
You know the tune so the words don't matter / Beyond this town lies a life much sadder, babe, I knowSunrise Tells the Story - Midland
This was the inspiration for the scene at dawn, where they wake up and head to the diner. Originally, the sex scene ended and cut to Yunho on the ranch again.
Who would've thought that we'd end up all tangled up together? / The night was a witness to our sweet surrender / And the moon saw it all through a thin piece of glass / And the stars must have blushed when you kissed me like thatWhat Have I Done? - Dermot Kennedy
(one thing about me is that this song will go on like 50% of my fic/ship playlists)
Never thought I needed saving / I was right where I should be / Good God, I know it's dangerous / But it's you that I need / I'm in love this time / What have I done?Be Yourself - Wilder Woods
This was an inspiration behind Mingi's approach to Yunho, working to get him to relax, even just in private.
I feel your hidden river ragin', I'm not askin' you to change it / Oh, you can be yourself / Say what you want, I don't care where it goes / If I'm gonna love you completely, we gotta let it all show / Who knows you better? Who could love you any more? ... It's safe to let me love you / No part of you I wouldn't touchWorthy - Jacob Banks
Just one step onto the lonely road / Has scarred me for life / No time to reflect as I was getting byFeathered Indians - Tyler Childers
Just a song for Mingi Song as he falls deeper in love with Yunho and recognizes that things are Different for him now.
*Smoking spirits on the roof / She asked ain't anybody told ya that them things are bad for you? / I said, "Many folks have warned me / There's been several people try / But up 'til now, there ain't been nothin' / That I couldn't leave behind"Forget Me Not - The Civil Wars
I've been a-waitin' for you, and you've been a-waitin' for me / Tell me that you'll always be true, and you'll be the only one for meDon't Wanna Be Without Ya - Penny and Sparrow
I don't wanna be without ya / If you start over, can I redo mine too? / Anything you become, let me run beside you ... I could see us being young lovers in a fable / That could be us, it could / Over and over, becoming, becomeBeat the Devil's Tattoo - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
And honeymoon phase or not, these men can't fight their nature - they still need the ride
You cannot fight it, all the world denies it / Open up your eyelids and let your demons runMurky - Saint Mesa
The nature and the ride and all the danger and violence it brings
Tie a noose around your tale / Murky water covers all / Burn the boat, burn the sail / Feel the thunder start to callGotta Get Goin' - Goodnight, Texas
This inspired the whole barfight scene lmao
I overstayed my welcome in the first degree / It's half-past ten now, I got here ten-o-three / I ran out to my stallion—voluntarily / They bid me farewell with the infantry / I gotta get goin', gotta get goin', gotta get goin / If God willin' the creek don't riseReal Love Baby - Father John Misty
after the "window-dressin'" conversation
I'm in love, I'm alive / I belong to the stars and sky / Let's forget who we are for one night / We're not animals, baby... I want real love, babyLight Me Up - Ingrid Michaelson
Well, you're not what I was looking for / But your arms were open at my door / And you taught me what a life is for / To see the ordinary, isn'tUnderdressed - Vérité
All I ever wanna do is stay here
(yes, we're ignoring the other lyrics because this is a vibes song)All Your'n - Tyler Childers
I'll love you 'til my lungs give out, I ain't lyin' / I'm all your'n and you're all mine / There ain't two ways around it, there ain't no tryin' 'bout it / I'm all your'n and you're all mineBucked Off - Brad Paisley
George Strait's on the jukebox again / Says if I leave now, I can still make Cheyenne, but / This ain't my first rodeo / Someone's gonna get hurtAny Man of Mine - Shania Twain
The dance in the bar! Had to have the boys two-step!
Any man of mine better walk the line / Better show me a teasin', squeesin', pleasin' kinda time / I need a man who knows how the story goes / He's gotta be a heartbeatin', fine treatin', breathtakin' earthquakin' kindAngry All the Time - Tim McGraw
And I understand that loving a man shouldn't have to be this rough ... I don't know why you gotta be angry all the timeRaise Hell - Dorothy
Young blood, gotta pull the trigger / When the whole world running scared / Raise HellFault Line - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
I been lyin' in the bright lights / See my shadow from below / Never wanted from another man / Never wanted from my own / Drownin' in the rising tide from my father's doorMiénteme - Orville Peck & Bu Cuaron
While this isn't about the cowboys' love being untrue, it is a nod to the impossibility of their honeymoon to last forever. They both know something's likely to hurt them, that riding and their relationship can't both go well forever, but they lie to themselves and to one another because they have no choice.
This is not love in the palm of my hands / I knew it all since it began / I want you to lie to me / And I'll lie to youOpen the Gate - Zach Bryan
THE Mingi Song for this story, regarding his obsession with bettering his father. The whole song could be listed here, but I'll rein it in.
I ain't never feared nothin' that was four-legged and buckin' / Throw me on a hurricane and I'll ride it to the coast / You'll never know that your son came to do what you should've done ... So open the gates / I'm here to prove / I'm better than my father was / And where he came from, tooReaper - Silverberg
The Ride.
Bless my soul, my time is coming / Oh Lord, gonna bury me alive / 'Cause everybody wants to go to heaven / But nobody ever wants to die ... Oh Lord, I don't want to dieAin't No Grave - Johnny Cash
Mingi's a strong motherfucker, y'all. And while he's going through this, Yunho might just be stronger in his own way.
Well meet me, mother and father / Meet me down the river road / And momma you know that I'll be there / When I check in my load / Ain't no grave can hold my body downDear Rodeo - Cody Johnson
This song, early on, became Yunho's anthem - I knew he'd give it up before the story was over.
I held on tight with all my might, I just couldn't hang on / and that's hard to hang your hat on / 'Tween the almost-had-'ems and broken bones / The dream of a buckle I'll never put on / I'm jaded, whoa how I hate it / But somehow the highs outweigh the lows / And I'd do it all again even though we both know / I'd still have to let you goThe Railroad - Goodnight, Texas
Largely vibes, but sort of about the difficulty of making it through the hospital daysTear In My Heart - Twenty One Pilots
The drive home from Houston
You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time / But that's okay, I'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine / I'm driving here I sit, cursing my government / For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cementI'm Tore Down - Freddie King
Well, I'm tore down / Almost level with the groundI Remember Everything - Zach Bryan & Kacey Musgraves
While it isn't one-to-one, this song captures a lot of the feelings Yunho goes through as he's trying to handle keeping Mingi healing while also processing his own grief and sorrow.
Strange words come on out / Of a grown man's mouth when his mind's broke ... You're drinkin' everything to ease your mind / But when the hell are you gonna ease mine?Right About You - Post Malone
Who am I to write rock-bottom from the highs you took me to? / Thank God I was right about you / Thank God I was right about youI Believe in Us - Léon
What is it I'm seeing? / Boy, is that defeat? / Words can be deceiving / Baby, look at me ... Oh, my love, don't cry, love / I believe in us / I believe in usCowboy Take Me Away - The Chicks
After the time jump, Mingi waking Yunho with the truck ready to go.
I wanna sleep on the hard ground / In the comfort of your arms / On a pillow of bluebonnets / And a blanket made of stars / Oh, it sounds good to me / Cowboy, take me awayEloise - Penny and Sparrow
This was the first song I put on the playlist, and I knew it had both the vibe I wanted (sweet and stark), so it felt only fitting that the title of the work and the final chapter both be pulled from it.
We could be a gunfight / Unlatching all the bailing wire ... Hotter than a June kiss / I'm blushing a shade of licorice / Croon with your night lungs / That old Cicada love song / Holy broken heart / A meaning-well American abattoirShort Trip Home - Joshua Bell
A final instrumental settling them into their sweet shared future, home and safe within one another.

let them cry doom commentary

I had initially added "Pacific Rim AU" to my wanna-write list last summer during my semi-annual "I'm sad so it's time to put on the ultimate comfort movie: Pacific Rim" evening. But I didn't know how I wanted to piece things together, so it was left on that doc until I saw this prompt in the PupChick Fest prompts spreadsheet:pac rim au, k-sci mingi and pilot yunho: best friends who grew up in the piloting scheme together, dreaming of being copilots. mingi drops out of the scheme for some reason (injury/incompatibility/doesn't enjoy fighting- reason is up to you) and ends up going into kaiju science. they reunite when one of them gets transferred over to the other's shatterdome.As soon as I read it and saw that the prompter was even alright with MCD, I knew I desperately wanted to write this one. And once I got the prompt, I knew I wanted to make it a bleak story set in the middle of the war.I have many special interests, but one of the biggest (so big I wrote my lit major thesis on it) is war poetry, particularly relating to the early 20th century interwar years and the Lost Generation/Modernist movements. So I decided that this shorter-form fic was the perfect opportunity to explore the way Yunho would experience the war as a traumatized soldier, one who didn't see an end in sight, unlike the Superhero-Style way we see many of the pilots in the PacRim movie handle things. The way I described it in my initial notes was "Pacific Rim meets 1917". And, of course, I watched 1917 three times through the course of writing it, to keep that tone top of mind. If you haven't seen it, I can't recommend that movie highly enough.I believe in the power and importance of tragedy in stories. Of course, I am human and love when endings wrap things all up in a nice little bow—give me a wedding and a happy party and I'll be overjoyed! But I also think good stories should make us hurt sometimes. I believe in cathartic media. When I hurt, I want to experience characters I love going through hurt and it meaning something.Ultimately, I think everything I write becomes a love letter to something I've spent a lot of time sitting with — the intricacies of small town life, graveyards, Texans' opinions towards trucks, or, in this case, a movie that's kept me company through a lot of hard times, and war stories that have done the same.I hope I've done them all justice.

Behind the Scenes, Themes, and Insights

Behind the ScenesIn the early planning days, I had two optional endings planned:
1. Yunho and Wooyoung both die out in battle, when their jaeger is fully taken out.
or
2. Yunho and Wooyoung both make it out alive, but they're irradiated and likely have a diminished lifespan and potentially drastic shorter-term injuries to deal with that kick them from piloting.But then, as I was chatting with Molly, my biggest and brightest cheerleader (and the artist who brought these boys to life for the story's reveal!!!) I threw out another idea: "i think i found a third worse ending and i'm feeling set on it now." When they read it, their response was, "you're right that IS worse EXCELLENT WORK" so I knew I was on the right track with Yunho's MCD as a means of making this story a war story. A real one.Then came the process of making sure his death made sense, which came down to an alarming YouTube search history that taught me about modular nuclear reactors and also why the original movie got the science of turning Gypsy Danger into a nuclear bomb was kinda sorta not possible (but I'll let it go, Guillermo, because I love you!)Regarding naming, I used an online generator for the kaiju names. For the jaeger names, I wanted to include Ateez references of course, and both Eden and Aurora worked well in the two-word naming scheme set through the movie. I used another generator to yoink a list of other words and just mixed and matched until they felt right. I'd already written and described the jaegers in the text before settling on names, so then it was just choosing which name better fit which jaeger.The reason there's so much focus on the physics/reactor science in this story rather than Mingi's kaiju science is because of two simple factors: 1. I am terrible at biology and wasn't even sure I could convincingly fake the dialogue, and 2. I messed up and scripted Mingi as the nuclear engineer before realizing the prompt had specified k-science and had to hard pivot into switching Seonghwa into that role.Speaking of character placement — fitting each of the members into this story was much easier than prior stories. That's the benefit of a military base, I suppose! Lots of placements for people who may or may not run into one another. I knew from the outset that I loved the idea of Jongho as a Tendo character. While he ended up not getting as much screen time as I'd hoped, he's got the perfect blend of humor and capability to be the man on the comms when the mood needs lightening, and to be the man at the control center when shit goes down.Since the extra details of the prompt included Topaz/Woojoong and Sansang as side ships, I knew the other jaeger would be piloted by San and Yeosang. Then, because I had seen this beautiful fanart piece by Min I knew I wanted Wooyoung to be Yunho's copilot. Added to that factor is Hongjoong like... needing to be the Marshal because who else? Which added up to a Marshal/Ranger relationship, needing to be kept quiet.Since Mingi needed to be a kaiju scientist, and I'd already scripted him out to be the physicist, I put Seonghwa as the physicist instead. It gave them both a close friendship tie (in case you can't tell by my stories, Minhwa friendships are my most beloved!). And once everyone was settled in, I wrote out my outline - for this story it was much more condensed, as I knew I needed a shorter plot to make it work within the festival deadlines. If you'd like to peek at this (very majorly unstructured) outline, you can take a peek at it here.Themes and MotifsTotal WarOne of the themes I pulled from PacRim as well as a lot of WWI sources was the concept of total war, and I tried to use that as a north star while world building. It was important that readers never forget they are at war, and that every aspect of their daily lives somehow ties back to it. This is why it's established only a few paragraphs in that Wooyoung's mother died of Kaiju Blue exposure-related cancer, and why Yunho so frequently gets into thought spirals about the futility he feels. It bleeds into their diets (Mingi's moment of near-tears when he gets kimchi on his lunch tray), in how the base is slowly eroding, how all resources go to jaegers and everything else is left to the wayside.Borderline Unreliable NarrationIn the first chapter's Yunho scene, I worked to establish how brutally nihilist he is, which sets the tone for his experiences and how he narrates through the full story. Only a few paragraphs apart, he notes, "It was essentially unheard of for a pilot to outlive his jaeger." only to admit shortly afterward that Hongjoong is an ex-ranger who outlived his jaeger.Similarly, it's difficult for Yunho to balance the propaganda media image with what he feels inside, so even those around him often don't quite know what's in his head. Later in the story, when the news anchor asks him how he keeps up his fighting spirit, he thinks of a reply that I think says it all: "We are eight years into a funeral procession, ma’am. This only ends with the end of the world, we’re just putting on airs until then... But when in the lead-up to the apocalypse do you give up? It’s easier to learn to fight than to learn to die."Wooyoung catches some of it, recognizes some from the drift and their years of companionship, but even he doesn't really see how bad things are in Yunho's head.Ultimately, Yunho is meant to read like a soldier who's three years into the mud and shit and stink of a trench. Basically, if there is a negative or nihilistic interpretation of something, Yunho will interpret it that way. Only when he's in the jaeger again, truly facing hopelessness, does he really and truly admit to himself that he had hope to begin with.The SeaThe name is right there in the AU source material, Pacific Rim. But I also thought it important to highlight how destructive, massive, and terrifying the sea is as a force, even in a jaeger. Sure, Raleigh Beckett claims you can fight a hurricane in a jaeger, and maybe that's true enough in its way, but without all the convenient cut scenes in the film, we'd be seeing the ocean have a lot more say in jaeger techniques.So, when Eden Fury has to drag the kaiju back to shore, I wanted it to feel weighted. When the jaegers are barely hanging onto the miracle mile, I wanted the sea floor to be another enemy of sorts, analogous to the mud of the trench that drowned as many soldiers as were shot in some battles. The sea is eroding the shatterdome, proving its might anytime it can, and I tried not to ever let the heroes or the reader forget that.PoetryPoetry, especially war poetry, is a long-time love of mine. When I was trying to refresh my memory of it and sort out the references I wanted to make, I did go back into researching some of the poets I remembered from way back. If this topic interests you, I found this documentary on YouTube to be a lovely overview of Sassoon and Owen as major examples of WWI poets.They, as the poets I believe Yunho would associate himself with, were the ones I focused on in referencing through this story. I also did some research to find a Korean poem I thought fit well as an opener, since I didn't want it all to be English-language poetry in translation. In-universe, a Yunho who was into poetry would have more of it in his native tongue than not. I'm not well-versed enough in Korean literary tradition to make the full sources pull from that literary history, though.However, I also pulled lines and references from some of my long-term favorite poems: 'Love Song' and 'A Grave'. These two poems were ones I wrote lots of essays on in my modernism courses, and I remember scrawling lines from 'Love Song' over and over in one of my class notebooks when my now-husband and I first began dating — it perfectly encapsulated my anxieties around those newfound feelings at the time, and parts of it are permanently etched into my own mind.'A Grave' was a little different, and moreso sat with me as an exploration of grief, one I needed quite deeply at that time. To this day, I will catch an errant "It is human nature to stand in the middle of a thing / But you cannot stand in the middle of this" running through my mind when I start to spiral out. Seeing as it was the chapter where Yunho has to venture back out to sea, I knew it was the moment to use that line, and that poem, as a foreshadowing moment and a reality check for our two tragic heroes.TangerinesIn the movie 1917, there is a moment where the soldiers walk through a cherry orchard, and all the trees have been chopped down. One of the two talks about what breed of cherries they are, and how the blossoms get so thick at times that they fall like snow. It's a sweet, quiet moment in a movie filled with intense terror and bouts of frantic action, and I thought it was just the loveliest little interlude. So when I was outlining Doom, I knew I needed to include a soft moment like that.And, since Jeju made the most sense for a shatterdome geographically, it only made sense for the scene to take place under the canopy of the tangerine trees. Jeju tangerines also ripen from the late fall through winter (hence the lines in the story about how the climate is changing, since it's a warm day out). I thought that was sort of poetic as well — that their moment would be with a fruit that becomes sweet in the darkest, coldest parts of the year.And once I had written this scene into the outline, I knew it had to be the one they both return to in the end: the light they got to experience among the dark, even if only for one afternoon. Like a fruit tree, it blooms and fruits for only a short part of the year and then it's gone. Like a fruit tree, their happiness is fleeting. But the sweetness was all still worth it in the end.

Poetry Sources

Poetry SourcesAll poems sourced in the work are listed below, since several are tricky to track down or have varying versions. Poem titles link to their source!—Work Title from: 'Joy-Bells' by Siegfried Sassoon, 1918Ring your sweet bells; but let them be farewells
To the green-vista'd gladness of the past
That changed us into soldiers; swing your bells
To a joyful chime; but let it be the last.What means this metal in windy belfries hung
When guns are all our need? Dissolve these bells
Whose tones are tuned for peace: with martial tongue
Let them cry doom and storm the sun with shells.Bells are like fierce-browed prelates who proclaim
That "if our Lord returned He'd fight for us."
So let our bells and bishops do the same,
Shoulder to shoulder with the motor bus.Chapter Titles1. 'In the Field Filling Up with Snow' by Seo Jeong-ju, unsure of publication yearIt’s all right,
It’s all right,
It’s all right,
It’s all right–
the snowflakes fall in heaps,
embracing even the sound of baby pheasants and quails
returning to their nests.It’s all right,
It’s all right,
It’s all right,
It’s all right–
the snowflakes fall like fluffy cotton,
embracing even the sound of young girls with rosy cheeks
returning to their nests.It embraces even the sound of all the fortunes returning home,
the crying,
the laughing,
the burdened ones
now getting up strongly.To the big ones, big tear traces,
to the small ones, small laugh lines;
the sound of big stories and small stories
returning home, whispering softly.It’s all right,
It’s all right,
It’s all right,
It’s all right–
the snowflakes fall constantly,
embracing even the sound of many mountains–
the Blue Mountains returning home.2. 'Strange Meeting' by Wilfred Owen, 1919It seemed that out of the battle I escaped
Down some profound dull tunnel, long since scooped
Through granites which Titanic wars had groined.Yet also there encumbered sleepers groaned,
Too fast in thought or death to be bestirred.
Then, as I probed them, one sprang up, and stared
With piteous recognition in fixed eyes,
Lifting distressful hands as if to bless.
And by his smile, I knew that sullen hall,—
By his dead smile I knew we stood in Hell.With a thousand fears that vision's face was grained;
Yet no blood reached there from the upper ground,
And no guns thumped, or down the flues made moan.
"Strange, friend," I said, "Here is no cause to mourn."
"None," said the other, "Save the undone years,
The hopelessness. Whatever hope is yours,
Was my life also; I went hunting wild
After the wildest beauty in the world,
Which lies not calm in eyes, or braided hair,
But mocks the steady running of the hour,
And if it grieves, grieves richlier than here.
For by my glee might many men have laughed,
And of my weeping something has been left,
Which must die now. I mean the truth untold,
The pity of war, the pity war distilled.
Now men will go content with what we spoiled.
Or, discontent, boil bloody, and be spilled.
They will be swift with swiftness of the tigress,
None will break ranks, though nations trek from progress.
Courage was mine, and I had mystery;
Wisdom was mine, and I had mastery;
To miss the march of this retreating world
Into vain citadels that are not walled.
Then, when much blood had clogged their chariot—wheels
I would go up and wash them from sweet wells,
Even with truths that lie too deep for taint.
I would have poured my spirit without stint
But not through wounds; not on the cess of war.
Foreheads of men have bled where no wounds were.I am the enemy you killed, my friend.
I knew you in this dark; for so you frowned
Yesterday through me as you jabbed and killed.
I parried; but my hands were loath and cold.
Let us sleep now . . ."3. 'Love Song' by William Carlos Williams, 1917What have I to say to you
When we shall meet?
Yet—
I lie here thinking of you.The stain of love
Is upon the world.
Yellow, yellow, yellow,
It eats into the leaves,
Smears with saffron
The horned branches that lean
Heavily
Against a smooth purple sky.
There is no light—
Only a honey-thick stain
That drips from leaf to leaf
And limb to limb
Spoiling the colors
Of the whole world.I am alone.
The weight of love
Has buoyed me up
Till my head
Knocks against the sky.See me!
My hair is dripping with nectar—
Starlings carry it
On their black wings.
See, at last
My arms and my hands
Are lying idle.How can I tell
If I shall ever love you again
As I do now?4. 'Repression of War Experience' by Siegfried Sassoon, 1918Now light the candles; one; two; there's a moth;
What silly beggars they are to blunder in
And scorch their wings with glory, liquid flame—
No, no, not that,—it's bad to think of war,
When thoughts you've gagged all day come back to scare you;
And it's been proved that soldiers don't go mad
Unless they lose control of ugly thoughts
That drive them out to jabber among the trees.Now light your pipe; look, what a steady hand.
Draw a deep breath; stop thinking; count fifteen,
And you're as right as rain ...
Why won't it rain? ...
I wish there'd be a thunder-storm to-night,
With bucketsful of water to sluice the dark,
And make the roses hang their dripping heads.Books; what a jolly company they are,
Standing so quiet and patient on their shelves,
Dressed in dim brown, and black, and white, and green,
And every kind of colour. Which will you read?
Come on; O do read something; they're so wise.
I tell you all the wisdom of the world
Is waiting for you on those shelves; and yet
You sit and gnaw your nails, and let your pipe out,
And listen to the silence: on the ceiling
There's one big, dizzy moth that bumps and flutters;
And in the breathless air outside the house
The garden waits for something that delays.
There must be crowds of ghosts among the trees,—
Not people killed in battle,—they're in France,—
But horrible shapes in shrouds--old men who died
Slow, natural deaths,—old men with ugly souls,
Who wore their bodies out with nasty sins.* * *You're quiet and peaceful, summering safe at home;
You'd never think there was a bloody war on! ...
O yes, you would ... why, you can hear the guns.
Hark! Thud, thud, thud,—quite soft ... they never cease—
Those whispering guns—O Christ, I want to go out
And screech at them to stop—I'm going crazy;
I'm going stark, staring mad because of the guns.4-A. 'One Last Prayer' by Ford Madox Ford, 1917Let me wait, my dear,
One more day,
Let me linger near,
Let me stay.
Do not bar the gate of draw the blind
Or lock the door that yields,
Dear, be kind!I have only you beneath the skies
To rest my eyes
From the cruel green of the fields
And the cold, white seas
And the weary hills
And the naked trees.
I have known the hundred ills
Of the hated wars.
Do not close the bars,
Or draw the blind.
I have only you beneath the stars:
Dear, be kind!5. 'A Grave' by Marianne Moore 1921Man looking into the sea,
taking the view from those who have as much right to it as you have to yourself,
it is human nature to stand in the middle of a thing,
but you cannot stand in the middle of this;
the sea has nothing to give but a well excavated grave.
The firs stand in a procession, each with an emerald turkey-foot at the top,
reserved as their contours, saying nothing;
repression, however, is not the most obvious characteristic of the sea;
the sea is a collector, quick to return a rapacious look.
There are others besides you who have worn that look—
whose expression is no longer a protest; the fish no longer investigate them
for their bones have not lasted:
men lower nets, unconscious of the fact that they are desecrating a grave,
and row quickly away—the blades of the oars
moving together like the feet of water-spiders as if there were no such thing as death.
The wrinkles progress among themselves in a phalanx—beautiful under networks of foam,
and fade breathlessly while the sea rustles in and out of the seaweed;
the birds swim through the air at top speed, emitting cat-calls as heretofore—
the tortoise-shell scourges about the feet of the cliffs, in motion beneath them;
and the ocean, under the pulsation of lighthouses and noise of bellbuoys,
advances as usual, looking as if it were not that ocean in which dropped things are bound to sink—
in which if they turn and twist, it is neither with volition nor consciousness.6. 'Perhaps (To R.A.L.)' by Vera Brittain, 1916Perhaps some day the sun will shine again,
And I shall see that still the skies are blue.
And feel once more I do not live in vain,
Although bereft of You.Perhaps the golden meadows at my feet
Will make the sunny hours of Spring seem gay.
And I shall find the white May blossoms sweet,
Though You have passed away.Perhaps the summer woods will shimmer bright,
And crimson roses once again be fair,
And autumn harvest fields a rich delight,
Although You are not there.Perhaps some day I shall not shrink in pain
To see the passing of the dying year,
And listen to Christmas songs again,
Although You cannot hear.But, though kind Time may many joys renew,
There is one greatest joy I shall not know
Again, because my heart for loss of You
Was broken, long ago.

Playlist

*** Spotify Playlist, Available Here ***Opening battle:
Start a War - Klergy
So, you wanna start a war / in the age of icons?MUD - Dorothy
You ain’t living life ‘til you’re feeling the dropGlory
I’ll be more than just a fable / I’ll be written in the stars / I will never be too afraid to bleedReaper
I keep on fighting / but I can hear the reaper callin’ my name // Everybody wants to go to heaven / but nobody ever wants to die // oh, lord, I don’t wanna dieYunho after battle
My Ego Dies At the End - Jensen McRae
I think I lost something in the water / I tried to swim to it / I could not swim to it / Drowned in a dream that should’ve made me stronger / I tried to swim through it / I could not swim through it // Leave my body in the water early / tried baptism but it felt like burning / if I don’t write about it was it really worth it?Mingi appearing on base
Corralling the Blues - Colter Wall
If I keep my hands workin’ / it holds off the hurtin’ / for the work is all but true / but when the day’s at a close / and I’m all alone / you can guess where my mind wanders toYungi encountering one another
Hello My Old Heart - The Oh Hellos
Hello, my old heart / how have you been? / How is it being locked away? / Don’t you worry, in there you’re safe / and it’s true, you’ll never beat - but you’ll never break // Nothing lasts forever, some things aren’t meant to be / but you’ll never find the answers until you set your old heart freeSparring
Tear in My Heart - Twenty One Pilots
Sometimes you gotta bleed to know / that you’re alive and have a soul / but it takes someone to come around and show you howJaeger confession and the rest
18 - One Direction
We made a start / be it a false one, I know / Baby, I don’t want to feel alone // Long before we both thought the same thing / to be loved and to be in love / all I can do is say that these arms are made for holding youGive Me You -
So, give me you, you’re all I needReconnecting, tangerine scene
We Found Each Other in the Dark -
We found each other in the dark / and when the smoke does finally pass / we will rise above the ash / ‘cause we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live, we’re gonna live / at lastIt’s Not Your Fault - Max McNown
The way you were raised / how you grew up too fast / you needed a break but the world hit the gas/ and no one should feel / all the things that you felt / and the tears in your eyes say you’re blaming yourself / but it’s not your fault (Mingi to Yunho)
Faking your smile to get through the day / tortured by things you don’t dare to say/ the dreams that you had that you never lived/ all they took from you that you didn’t give / but it’s not your fault (Yunho to Mingi)Armonikos -
(Tangerine scene vibes)Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
I need your grace / to remind me / to find my own. / If I lay here / if I just lay here / would you lie with me and just forget the world? / Forget what we’re told / before we get too old / show me a garden that’s bursting into lifesummer of love they find in one anotherBlue Summer - ATEEZ
(vibes because they get to have a honeymoon summer)Kintsugi - Humbe
(in translation) Take me and set me free / my warm sunset, you are what the sun always wanted to be, dazzling // This is the only time you’ll have to fix me / I promise to be strong / let’s go slow, let’s be delicate / controlling an engine that’s revving // When I’m about to break, let it be you who fixes meFireproof - One Direction
Cause nobody knows you baby the way I do / and nobody loves you baby the way I do / it’s been so long, it’s been so long / we must be fireproofFirst Time - Hozier
When I was young, I used to guess / are there limits to any emptiness? / When was the last time? / Come here to me, when was the last time?Wasp Nest - The National
You’re all humming live wires under your killing clothes / get over here, I wanna kiss your skinny throat / you’re a wasp nestthe alarms sound again
Happiness - The Fray
Happiness damn near destroys you / breaks your faith to pieces on the floor / so you tell yourself that’s enough for now / but happiness has a violent roarRun Away to Mars - TALK
Before my time runs out / what if I run away to Mars? / Would you find me in the stars? // Would you miss me in the end / if I run out of oxygen // Three, two, one, I miss you / I’m sorry, I got issuesMillion Pieces - Bastille
Don’t look outside, the world is ending / the echoes of that news ring loud / no sound can ever drown it out / it breaks my heart into a million piecesYunho called to battle, Mingi in the command roomBON -
(idk fight scene vibes)Play With Fire -
(vibes) Unstoppable / legendary animal / digital justice / now you’re gonna know usthe kaiju’s impact
TRIGGER - The Boyz
Take it to the flow, make it go, light the wick, wickThe Very Last Day - Parker Millsap
I wanna feel that great atomic power / when it yields that final fiery shower / ain’t no shield can save you in that hour / I won’t cowerYunho’s death march pov
The Line - Twenty One Pilots
I guess I never really faced my fears before / so stay with me because my body’s on the line now / pull the blanket tight now / I can feel the light shine on my faceI, Carrion - Hozier
(Yunho to Mingi, internally) If the wind turns, if I hit a squall / allow the ground to find its brutal way to me // and though I burn, how could I fall / when I am lifted by every word you say to me? // Once I had wondered what was holding up the ground / but I can see that all along, love, it was you all the way down / Leave it now / I am sky-bound. // I do not have wings, love, I never will / soarin’ over a world you are carryin’Mingi afterward
Still - Noah Kahan
I don’t, I don’t, I don’t wanna say goodbye / It only falls into place when you fall into pieces / you find love that lasts awhile ‘til you lose the reasons / sayin’ “god i’m alive” but the whole place is quiet // You can’t stay here / it’s hard to face and it feels too ugly // It’s like I’m still here with you / I don’t, I don’t, I don’t want to say goodbyeLast Words of a Shooting Star - Mitski
(Reminiscent of Yunho’s pov in his room) I always wanted to die clean and pretty / but I’d be too busy on working days / so I am relieved that the turbulence wasn’t forecasted / I couldn’t have changed anyways // I am relieved that I’d left my room tidy / goodbyeNeil Gow’s Lament
(a lament of something sweet and grief stricken, as we leave Mingi behind)